Fully Embracing the Present
Today feels different—lighter and more vibrant. The world seems brighter, with colours more vivid than ever, and each breath feels smoother. While I'm aware of a path ahead, I am firmly anchored in the present.
Yesterday marked my first Reiki session, and it was nothing short of a revelation—a breakthrough. I have come to realise the vital importance of living in the present moment. This morning, I woke up understanding that what troubled me existed only in my mind.
Haunted by the lack of love in my childhood and the frequent labels of being "stupid," "thick," and "not good enough," I spent much of my life trying to shield myself from humiliation. Ironically, what one seeks, one often finds.
It's remarkable how the mind clings to its earliest imprints, replaying old narratives even when new ones are desperately needed. The need for protection, born from wounds that seemed healed, but never truly were, shaped my life and choices, like a silent puppeteer pulling unseen strings.
In friendships, I often played the comedian, masking insecurity with humour, afraid that vulnerability would lead to rejection as it had in the past. In love, I constructed high walls, equating distance with safety. Yet, I found myself isolated within my fortress, yearning for connection, but unsure how to let anyone truly in - this bit is huge.
When a partner's innocent criticism struck a nerve, it echoed the words of old, and the fear of inadequacy reared its head, sabotaging the potential for open communication and mutual growth.
My past loomed large, a phantom menace casting shadows over moments meant for light. A partner's innocent criticism could echo the words of old, and the fear of inadequacy would resurface, undermining the potential for genuine communication and mutual growth.
Awareness is a powerful catalyst. Until yesterday, I was navigating through the fog on my own, without a treatment plan—paddling my own canoe. Janie mentioned that the Reiki session would be powerful, with strong aftereffects. This morning, time feels effortless, and I realise that my behavior patterns and defence mechanisms have been encased in armour for far too long. Could it be that by seeking understanding and kindness from within, I will uncover a new truth? Perhaps I was worthy all along, and the love I sought externally needed first to be nurtured within myself.
For the first time, I've come to realise that when someone loves you, it's in their own way, not necessarily mine.
I’m learning to appreciate the beauty in their gestures, even if they don't align with the script I've envisioned. Their care might manifest as a quiet presence rather than loud proclamations, or in small acts of kindness rather than grand gestures. It's a love language I'm just beginning to understand—an unfamiliar dialect that I’ll increasingly cherish.
In their unique way, there's a depth I hadn't noticed before, a sincerity in the subtle, a warmth in their gaze. While it differs from my own expressions, I'm realising that love isn't confined to a single definition. So, I'll open my heart not just to receive, but to genuinely appreciate the love that is given in its unique and beautiful form.
Ultimately, it's not the way love is expressed that matters most, but the authentic feeling that lies beneath.
It's clear now—what truly matters deserves my attention. All past burdens and responsibilities are being released. I was trapped in a self-imposed prison, and now it's time to fight for my goals and dreams, to make them reality. I feel a profound separation from my past and am on a journey to find balance and mental clarity.
Moving forward is my priority, but I know it won't happen overnight. My efforts need to be strategic and calculated. With dedication and perseverance, progress is within reach.
Over the coming days and weeks, I'll be setting intentions, not just goals, and I feel gratitude not just for the destination, but for the journey itself. Progress may be slow, but each step is a victory. No longer am I weighed down by the past; instead, I embrace the present with open arms.
Quiet time and writing have become daily rituals—tools that keep me anchored and focused. I'm learning to trust my intuition and let it guide me, believing in the process. Challenges are now opportunities for learning, and my connections with others will grow stronger, this time rooted in authenticity and genuineness.
I write this with a smile, I acknowledge that I don't have all the answers. I am learning to lean on others and find strength in my vulnerability. Self-love is becoming a practice, and I'm embracing my flaws. Failure no longer intimidates me; I accept “that what will be, will be.” The days of "what you seek, so you will find" are behind me now.
I'm determined to shape a future that aligns with my soul—a future that will reflect the true me. It's a journey taken one day at a time, one step at a time. This time I can feel the earth beneath my feet.
